Look…To…The…Cyberdwarf…

Oh yeah, It’s time for The Encounter With Dracula Is Terminated! This week, I’ve been hitting the ‘post-cyberpocalyptic’ streets of Neo-New York in Chef Boyardee’s Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden, Chapter 1 of the Hoopz Barkley SaGa.

The Chaos Dunk, an incredibly powerful “jam”, has become a threat to the balance of chaos and order in the world. In response to this danger, it was decided that basket ball would be outlawed and a purge of basketballers would take place. It did, and “B-Ballnacht”, a day still fresh in the minds of the few survivors, wiped out thousands and thousands of the worlds greatest ballers. I feel really compelled to just point out before we go any further that this is actually a real game, and that I haven’t made it up in an irreparable lapse of what to write in this week’s article. Charles Barkley, one of the few survivors, lives with his son Hoopz. It’s a meagre existence in a ruined, crime ridden New York, but it just gets worse when “a Chaos Dunk rocks the island of Manhattan, killing 15 million!” Your guess is as good as mine.

With Manhattan destroyed, the finger is pointed at the protagonist, Charles, as he is the only one capable of such a stern dunking. When a sell out Michael Jordan arrives with the b-ball removal squad to take you down, you are a man on a mission: Clear your name and find out what the motherdunk is going on behind the terrorist organisation B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S, who are orchestrating these shenanigans. To be honest, you’d probably be forgiven for asserting that it’s time to slam and/or jam, and that’s EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

As we’re both suffering from synopsis at this point, let’s slam and j…Lets get right to it. There is one thing that shines above all others in what makes this game the fucking master and that is the titles to its musical score. These, which incidentally sound like eighties moody synths being smashed into an Amiga, are as follows. Okay, so you’ll no doubt be containing the proverbial lols when you see the generic “boat1.mid”, but…But…..“Super! Super! Gay! Gay!” and “Click here for moustache rides” are worthy of more than note.

The game plays and looks a lot like a very simplified Final Fantasy VI, as does anything made with the RPG maker in question. Ain’t no bad thing, though. It’s a winning formula for telling a ridiculously over dramatic story about some exploding basket ball shit. The story itself, though, IS the genius/insanity line. Everything about it is so appallingly dumb yet awesomely fantastic. The indie game scene is fruitful and creative, I know, but come on. We all wish we’d carried on from where space jam left off…I think.

I’ll be honest, as much as I find it hilarious that Michael Jordan is the equivalent of Darth Vader, I found the reams of basketballer pseudo-history a bit perturbing. This is probably because I’m British and have no recognition of these people beyond the super famous names. Still, even if I knew who they were waxing lyrical about, I wouldn’t want to hear about how each one used to be a wild mamma jamma for a few paragraphs before I can LOOK TO THE CYBERDWARF. I’m afraid it’s going to be knocked a Kim Coates head for this. What it does score points on, however, is the fact that the save points lambast you with irate fury that some people on the internet are abusing the portmanteau “vidcon” by adding a space, and that square-enix are now selling machine guns.

This game isn’t bringing anything phenomenal to the table game play wise – it’s a generic looking, generic playing RPG maker RPG. Still, that’s not what matters. What matters is that this is the first short chapter in what promises to be the best balance of unexplainably, inexcusably retarded and complete best-enjoyed-drunk joy that an RPG can offer. I strongly suggest checking it out if you’re willing to accept space jam happened and you have an interest in, um…Saving the planet from an evil basketball. I know I do.

SCORE: 3 out of 5 Kim Coates heads.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, March 1st, 2007 at 3:11 am and is filed under News, The Encounter With Dracula. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “Look…To…The…Cyberdwarf…”

1. dr_pineapple:

   § March 1st, 2007 at 7:30 am

   wtf agaga! KIM COATES? Who the heck is that? >_>

2. Paul:

   § March 2nd, 2007 at 11:03 pm

   Absolutely. Amazing. Top GFX there, Malak.

3. malakian:

   § March 2nd, 2007 at 11:58 pm

   Thanks! I’m really fond of reviewing, despite how difficult it is to just review a big joke.

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