I think there is a big video game critic cartel.

If there isn’t, perhaps there’s another explanation as to why so regularly I have to deal with reams and reams of identical opinion. What’s particularly perturbing is how often said opinion evokes a feeling in me only akin to having copies of batman: Vengeance thrown at my eyes for 10 minutes a pop. Hello by the way. Welcome to this centuries copy of The Encounter. You may think this entry is sporadic and extremely late, but our readers from Greenland will tell you that weekly editions have (since the last internet post) been dispatched by town crier, and the feedback shows the heralds were very well received over there. They like that kind of thing. Sorry to the rest of you, but retro methods are cool, right? Of course they are! Anything retro is! Just take a walk through Camden town; you’ll see three trendy ladies shooting up bubonic plague at any time of day! Let’s do this shit.

Crivvens! The logo we all know and love! I hear your cries! Or perhaps they’re from Archa’s hot sister, whom I’ve kidnapped…Either way, I hear some cries. Anyway, Fear not, there is no heinous mistake – this is a special stormtrooper commander figurine edition of TEWDIT. It’s great to have a new friend. I’m pretty sure Ultra Magnus will get along with him. I’m just hoping the three Lego men will be welcoming. Still, I’ll work out my own friendship problems in my own time – I should tell you how we met!

It was a rocky start for me and Mr Trooper. We weren’t always friends. When we first met I was buying Lucasarts’ latest console tour de force (lol) Star Wars: the Force Unleashed. While I was paying I noticed the bag handed to me was a little bigger than usual, but for some reason didn’t think much of it until I was on the bus with my fellow university students. Then I took a look in the bag, and, before considering the reaction my peers might have, pulled the man you see before you out. Now in hindsight I know the sniggers, pointing and yells of ‘what a big twat’ must have been intense jealousy of my awesome pal, but at the time I hurried him back into my bag. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to be seen cavorting with a man a small fraction of my size! Still, fate had brought us together, so I decided to break the ice. ‘Hey stormtrooper commander figurine, have you read about this game? It’s got digital molecular matter, and the reviewers are saying the storytelling is fantastic! Well beyond anything the prequel trilogy could offer!’

It didn’t take many small beers before I realised I was hanging out with a pretty neat guy. All my preconceptions had gone out the window, a bit like when Edward Norton is in prison in American history X. The rich tapestry of my new pal’s character didn’t take long to dwarf that of the force unleashed’s protagonist. The sparse dialogue, vacant looks and one dimensionality of this guy are astounding. Stormtrooper commander did such a funny impression of him at one point, just staring forward blankly. I guess it was pretty easy for him as he’s made of plastic, but oh man, I was in FITS. We laughed together as the pseudo-deepening plot seemed to be being weaved around him by all the other characters’ acting, and desperate attempts to make out he was more important/relevant than he was. As stormtrooper put it, “it’s like imagining Noddy Holder running into the Houses of Parliament and being taken seriously in a debate on NHS funding”. Except at least with that example NHS could be seen as an acronym of ‘Noddy Holder – Slade’, making it a bit more feasible. I can’t think of a single reason why the secret apprentice is relevant beyond smashing things. We kept placing bets on which parts the protagonist actually knew what was going on in. Good times. In the latter stages you’re being constantly told you’re arranging the origins of the rebel alliance. I do not remember doing this, or watching the main character do it in cut scene form. It just happens and we’re told through other more talkative characters that apparently he has done it. It’s all his doing. Of course, the route that brought us to it was invariably through smashing people. I think I ‘spoiled’ there. I don’t deliberately set out to give any spoilers away, but I don’t care about ruining plots that I consider junk, so if you have any complaints please send them up your bum.

We were both pretty shocked that there were a bunch of noticeable back steps in AI since the Jedi knight series. These included enemies not dropping weapons when shaken about (leading to hands up surrender or frantically searching for a weapon again – great little behavioural patterns), no minor limb severing despite having a ’12′ age certificate (Jedi Knight 2 didn’t, and JK: Academy had no certificate either if I recall correctly – if I’m wrong on that, please send corrections up your bum).

I didn’t want to sour our evening by showing what a geek I was, so I didn’t mention to stormtrooper about all the reviews I’d read, but it was something that had begun to get my goat. In fact, it wouldn’t be an over estimation to say my goat had been force gripped. No matter which major review site I went to, all I’d hear was ‘GREAT storytelling, gameplay suffers from camera issues’. In reality, the story is borderline pathetic and the camera isn’t bad at all. The story reeks of being tagged on, or as it is between trilogies, jammed in, and does its utmost to remove every last scrap of dignity and enigma from Darth Vader – a goal Lucas seems to have been relentlessly pursuing since the prequels. The digital molecular matter might as well not be there either, as so few bits actually use it due to processing constraints that I probably wouldn’t have noticed this groundbreaking technology unless I’d been told that it was there.

Nevertheless, some fun was had during our time with the overblown hack and slash platformer. We threw a few baddies and goodies around and zapped a few more…I suppose we can’t complain! Though, as The Witcher: Enhanced Edition has just been released, I can’t wait to have some real innovative gaming sessions with my new pal! See you soon guys, thanks to my new friend I’m finally going to be able to make use of those really small plastic pool tables that they sell in news agents sometimes. I never knew why they made them before!

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008 at 7:39 pm and is filed under News, The Encounter With Dracula. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

One Response to “I think there is a big video game critic cartel.”

1. Paul:

   § September 26th, 2008 at 9:41 am

   This is absolutely amazing.

   “Please send corrections up your bum.”

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